


The Pain of Loving You

by simplyawriter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bars, Clubbing, Denial, Drama, Drinking, Frustration, Gen, Hidden Feelings, Jealousy, Mentions of Sex, Other Women, Pain, Romance, Supernatural - Freeform, Uncertain Feelings, Understanding, a bit of angst, emotion, heart ache, implied sex, one-night stands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 20:30:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11321151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplyawriter/pseuds/simplyawriter
Summary: In the beginning, it was easy to fetch Dean on days he slept with other women in another motel room. Now it's getting harder and you realize it's because you're in love with him.





	The Pain of Loving You

With squinted eyes you focus on your target.

You hold one single peanut from the platter sitting on the bar in front of you in one hand and a drink in the other. Dean sits beside you, his gaze shifting between you and your victim who sits in the booth across the room from the two of you. He waits for your next move. “It’s impossible. You’re never going to make it.” You hear him murmur in your ear.

His voice is anything but nervous, but you can tell he’s worried. 

“Oh, I’m going to make it,” You grin, “And you’re going to buy me a drink.”

“Wrong and wrong. Just take the shot already.”

“Patience is key, Dean. You have to wait for just…the right…-” Your target shifts uncomfortably in his seat and picks up his shot glass, bringing it up to his lips. “Perfect,” You smirk. Without another word, you throw your peanut.

The tiny nut flies across the room, over the heads of clueless drunkards, and into the small shot glass of your target. Whatever alcohol was in the glass splashes out of it and into the face of the person holding it. They flinch sharply and quickly pull the glass away from their face in shock and confusion. You hear Dean groan quietly beside you and turn back around.

“Bartender,” you say as you smile sweetly at him, “I’ll have one Sex on the Beach, please.” The bartender, who had been watching your peanut feud with Dean unravel, and has served you more than a couple drinks tonight, smiles at you proudly. “Good choice.” He comments as he goes to make your drink.

It really wasn't a feud, it was more of a game. Every time you and Dean go out to bars together, you always have a competition to see if the other can throw a peanut into somebody else's shot glass. If either you manage the shot, the other has to buy you a drink.

You turn to look at Dean, prepared to rub your victory in his face, but fall short of your words when you notice his attention is elsewhere. More specifically on a woman leaning on the wall across the bar. Your eyebrows furrow in confusion and you look at him, suddenly finding it hard to speak. It’s not unusual for some other woman to catch his attention.

But it is unusual for you to notice. 

You’ve never had a problem with Dean sleeping with other women before. In fact, you are usually the one who pulls him away from them in the morning. But seeing him now with his eyes on another woman, it almost hurts. 

And that’s when you remember the reason you came to the bar in the first place. You didn’t come here with Dean. You came here to  _fetch_  Dean. You had been having so much fun with him you forgot that Sam sent you here to bring Dean back before he went off with another woman and made it difficult for you three of you to leave in the morning for an early case. 

“Dean, we should probably head back,” You say, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

"What?"

“We have to get up early for the case tomorrow. We should go."

You slide off your bar stool and check your phone for the time. 11:03 PM. Sliding your phone back into your coat pocket you smile at the bartender and look at Dean as you move to leave. “Sam’s going to kill me. I was supposed to bring you back like two hours ago. I’m surprised he hasn’t come to get us.” Dean’s usual smirk begins to fall. 

The twinkle in his eyes dies down as he looks at you. “The only reason you came here was to come and get me?”

“Well, yeah. Why else would I come? I hate bars.”

You stare at him quizzically, confused at his sudden behavior. He almost looks hurt by your words but you brush it off and nod your head in the direction of the exit. “So it doesn’t bother you when I sleep with other women?” He asks.

You pause for a moment after he says this. To be honest, you were starting to hate it. It was beginning to get harder to bring him back on the days he slept with someone else in another motel room. And the thought of him being with someone else, now that you think about it, makes you feel sick. But Dean doesn't belong to you. And he doesn't love you.

Even if you told him that it does he probably wouldn't stop. He'd only question your response. And you're not ready to admit you how helplessly and deeply you've fallen in love with him. You just don't want to face the pain of loving him. 

“No, Dean," you reply finally after a moment of silence. "It doesn't."

 

As the days pass by and cases are solved, your thoughts begin to torment you. Things haven’t changed since that night at the bar with Dean. Well, most things. Dean still occasionally sleeps with other women and things between you two remain the same, but your feelings have definitely changed. You didn’t want to accept it at first because you knew your feelings are hopeless. There’s no way Dean loves you when he’s busy loving other women. 

So you pushed your feelings and emotions back. You continued to bring him home on the mornings of his one-night stands. But the pain grew worse. It still grows worse. And your feelings haven’t changed. You’re still in love with him. 

“You don’t have to do it, (Y/n),” Sam says as he watches you sympathetic eyes. You close your eyes and tighten your grip around the doorknob that is pressed against your palm. “It’s fine, Sam,” You tell him. “I’m fine.”

“I hate watching you do this to yourself…You’re not fine.”

Opening your eyes you move your free hand to rest on the door and let your forehead fall against it gently. Sam moves to offer you some kind of comfort but when you hear him step closer you stiffen and he stops. 

You hate it just as much as Sam does but you can’t control what Dean does. He’s his own person. You just wish he’d open his eyes and realize how much he’s hurting you. You’ve spent too many days retrieving Dean from another motel room that is not only occupied by him but a woman also. And this morning is one of those dreadful days that bring you so much regret.

“Go ahead and head out to the car. I’ll be back with Dean soon.” You sigh, finally gathering up enough courage to open the door and exit the motel room.  Sam doesn’t argue with you anymore and follows your orders.

He begins to gather up the bags and guns and take them to the car while you head over to the other side of the motel where Dean said he was staying last night. You take deep breaths and even your breathing to keep any emotions from consuming you.  _You can do this, (Y/n)_ , you tell yourself.  _You’ve done it before. Do it again._

You step up to the door that Dean is hiding behind and let out one last deep breath. Without knocking you grab hold of the doorknob and push the door open. The room is dark but dimly lit by the light you just exposed to it. It’s just enough light to allow you to see Dean in bed, yet again, with a woman. But it’s different this time. Instead of being pressed up against the woman beside him, his back is facing her, a small distance between the two. 

The pain, however, is the same. 

“Dean,” You call out to him quietly, unable to say his name any louder in fear that your voice might waver. “Dean, it’s time to go.” Dean’s eyes are already open, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He closes his eyes and sighs softly. 

Dean moves to sit up and the woman beside him begins to wake up at his movement and the light shining through the door. She rubs her eyes tiredly and looks at Dean as he begins to throw the covers off of himself. “What time is it?” She asks.

“5:32 in the morning.” You tell her softly. The woman doesnt seem bothered by you and rolls over in bed to continue sleeping.

You turn your attention to Dean who is struggling to button up his plaid shirt. With a sigh, you walk over to him and gently move his hands away from his shirt so you can button it for him. Normally, you’re more talkative but today you feel absolutely miserable and your emotions are getting the best of you.  You’ve done this for months. 

You’ve been holding back emotions that shouldn’t be contained, burying your sadness to try and get rid of the pain. But your heart can’t take any more heartbreak and you begin to feel tears welling up in your eyes, blurring your vision. Your hands stop at the third button to the top and you feel a single tear run down your cheek. 

“(Y/n)…?” Dean says your name worriedly. You slowly let your arms fall to your sides. “(Y/n)…What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” You lie, smiling through tears “I’m just trying to get used to the pain.”

“The pain? The pain of what?” 

“The pain of loving you.” After you say this you feel your tears overflow, streaming down your cheeks freely as you gaze into the eyes of Dean Winchester. The man you love. You thought the pain might be better if you told him how you feel but as he stares at you in silence you feel your heart aching. He’s not saying anything.

You turn away from him quietly, not bothering to wipe your tears as you step out the door. But before you can even leave the room Dean grabs your wrist swiftly and stops you. You turn around to speak but he speaks before you. 

“How long?” He asks, his voice hushed but firm.

You avert your eyes. “From the beginning…”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew my feelings were hopeless,” You confess, unable to hold back your tears any longer as they begin to spill over, “It seemed like every night you were finding somebody else to love.  _Anybody else but me_.”

Dean lets go of your wrist. You slowly raise your gaze to look at him, your heart aching at the pained expression on his face. His eyebrows furrow,  “Why did you let me do that to you..? Why did you let me hurt you?” He asks, a rising anger in his voice. “I've always loved you, (Y/n)! I slept with other women to forget about  _you_. Because I thought you didn’t love  _me_.”

You close your eyes, letting out a shaky breath you didn’t know you were holding. All of your pent up emotions leave you in that one single breath, the ache in your heart remaining.  _He loves you_ , your thoughts scream.  _He loves you._

You stumble towards Dean and he steps forward, throwing his arms around you as you hide your face in his chest. Your hands grip the fabric of his shirt tightly, his arms holding you securely. “I’m sorry,” you murmur, “I’m so sorry.”

“Please, god, don't ever apologize for loving me...That's the best thing you can do."

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on this site (or anywhere really) and the ending kinda got away...
> 
> But thanks for reading, I hoped you enjoyed <3


End file.
